Betsy's Spanking Sessions
So Dana asked me to write my thoughts down after my last spanking. When she asked me to write something I groaned and begged her not to make me do it because I have always hated English and am not good at expressing myself. Part of it is I am a perfectionist and I am never happy with what I write. After she spanked me I was sitting on the beach thinking about what had happened and I did realize that writing my thoughts down was a pretty good idea. I knew I wouldn't write anything on my own so I was a little happy that she asked me to do this.
I had met with Dana the day before for a "welcome back to California/good girl spanking" which I really enjoyed. She had asked me if there was anything I needed punished for or felt bad about. The only thing I could think of was texting and playing this game on my phone while driving. I did not admit it to her the first day partly because I didn't want to ruin our first day and I was hoping I would come up with something else. Texting while driving is a pretty boring reason to be punished but I could not think of anything else.
When I met with her the day of the punishment I walked into her spanking room and saw several straps and a spatula on the bed and I thought "oh shit, what does she have planned." Part of me thought that maybe I could sweet talk her into giving me another good girl spanking like the one I had the day before. So I was sitting in her spanking chair and she was sitting on her bed and I can't remember how the topic of texting was brought up but eventually we got to that topic. I was ashamed of what I had done but I am very good at rationalizing my actions. I told Dana that I hold the phone up in front of my line of sight so that I can still look at the road while I play my game or text. I also told her that I only do it on the road when no other cars are around me so that if something happened no one else would get hurt. Well none of those reasons flew with her. I've always been pretty good at getting out of trouble but I knew by looking at her that I was not helping myself any. Some of the time I couldn't look at her and held my hands in front of my face. I agreed with her that it was stupid what I was doing. She mentioned the video that she had done with Sarah when Sarah was punished for texting while driving. I told her that video scared me. She also said she didn't want to go to my funeral or see me in a wheelchair and that made me mad at myself for not valuing my own life. She asked me how else she could punish me. She said she can't ground me or take my phone away. I tried racking my brain thinking of another way but I came up with nothing.
After we talked for a little while she said today was "strap day" and she started going through her straps and holding each one and describing them. I actually liked that part because I am relatively new to spanking and don't know much about all the different implements. Plus I thought the longer she talks the longer I can postpone my spanking. She had maybe 10 implements total. After she was done explaining them she told me to stand up and she moved her spanking chair and sat down on it. I stood a few feet away from her holding my arms crossed and my eyes closed. I felt like a kid where if you can't see the person looking at you then they cant see you. I knew that was not the case because I could feel her looking at me. I thought the longer I stand here where she can't reach me the longer I can put this off. I was starting to freak out about what was about to happen. I didn't mean to be so defiant but sometimes I just can't help myself. The stubborn side of me thought "she can't tell me what to do" and I think part of me was testing her. Looking back I do feel bad for acting so childish. Eventually I took a step closer and stood at her side. She slowly started taking my jeans off and she was going so slow I wanted to scream "hurry up" and just pull them off myself but I didn't. She had me step out of my pants and I laid them on the floor. I tried distracting her with my soft pink panties and the definition of my abs that I am starting to get but again that just postponed the inevitable. She then had me lay over her lap. Almost immediately I felt her take my panties off and I felt them around my ankles but as soon as the spanking started I completely forgot about them for the rest of the time. It felt like she started off spanking me as hard as she could with her hand. I had asked her the day before to spank me as hard as she could with her hand because I was curious as to what it felt like. After about 7 spanks on the same spot I could feel myself tensing up and wanting to move. In the past I had judged people for making a bunch of noise or moving a lot with just a hand spanking but I realized how much a hard hand spanking can hurt. Within a minute I thought "oh my god I cant take this" and that was only with her using her hand. During the previous spankings she started out light and slow so I was not used to her starting like this. We weren't playing this time. This spanking had me silently cursing myself (and sometimes out loud) one for texting while driving and two for having such a guilty conscience that I felt the need to tell on myself. I also knew that I probably deserved worse than what she was doing to me. As I laid over her lap I tried my best not to tense up or make noise because I didn't want her to know how much she was hurting me but I couldn't help it. I tried telling myself this will be over soon and trying to focus my mind on something else but neither of those helped. Part of me wanted it to be over quickly but another part of me never wanted it to end. I don't consider myself a masochist and didn't enjoy the pain but it was more what the spanking meant. I tried to get up on my hands and toes to move forward a little but I felt her arm tighten around my waist and she told me I wasn't going anywhere. I didn't put my hand back to protect myself because I felt like I needed it to balance myself. I didn't look up and couldn't tell which implements she was using other than the spatula which had a different feel.
After that she had me lay face down on the bed and started using more of the straps. I had my sweatshirt wadded up to bury my face in and so that she wouldn't hear any of my smart ass comments. At one point I must have been wiggling too much because she sat on my back to hold me down. I still never looked up to see what implements she was using. She then had me get up on all fours, which I liked in an odd way but when she had me arch my back I was very embarrassed, and didnt like that feeling. She put her left arm around my waist and as soon as she started spanking me I forgot about my embarrassment and couldn't think about anything else but the pain. Her arm was so tight around my waist and I couldn't even get my feet up to protect myself. Throughout all this the only break I had was when she changed implements and I was so thankful for those short breaks. I really didn't want to shield myself or move too much but my body did everything it could to protect itself while my mind thought that she will never break my will or get me to give up or admit that she won. I also couldn't stop myself from being a smart ass. Having a strong will and smart mouth are not a good combination when you are being punished but something in me couldn't help it. I even tried a few times to get her to laugh but I don't think she did and I didn't look at her face any. I actually liked that she didn't laugh or lighten up.
After she was done I laid on the bed on my stomach she asked me if I had learned my lesson. At that point I wasn't sure I had but I knew I was going to try. I still had that rebellious side to me that says no one can tell me what to do yet I knew in my head what I was doing wasn't smart I just didn't want to admit it. I was lying on her bed on my stomach feeling comfortable and relaxed and she went to get ice and put it on my bottom which felt really good. My butt was on fire. After that she laid a blanket over me and I laid my head on her chest and she put her arms around me and hugged me tightly to her chest. That is always my favorite part. It makes me feel safe and peaceful. She asked if I thought she was mad at me and I really didn't get that feeling. I didn't feel that she was mad at me as a person but more upset with the decision I had made to do something so stupid. I thought that it might be awkward to talk to her after being punished but it wasn't.
On the drive back to my hotel I went to pick up my phone a few times but caught myself. I even knew that someone had sent me a text but I didn't read it. I found myself getting mad at my phone for having so much control over me, which is crazy to be mad at an inanimate object. I guess I was just mad at myself and taking it out on my phone. I went back to my room and sat on the bed and within a few minutes I felt exhausted and wanted to take a nap but I had more sightseeing to do so I made myself get up. After dinner that night when I was walking back to my hotel my whole body felt tired and sore like I had had a really good workout. It actually was a really nice feeling.
So I got what I always wanted: to be punished by a mother like figure who loves me and cares about my safety. I didn't have a safe word because I trusted her and in real life when you are punished you can't stop whenever you want to. I liked that I hadn't asked for certain implements or positions because again when you are punished you don't get to choose how its going to happen. I hadn't texted on purpose just to be punished because I had been doing that years before I met Dana. She did make me feel guilty for putting my life at risk and it does feel good having someone punish you for messing up. She didn't break my will or make me feel bad about myself and in the end her punishing me made me like her more.
I don't think I have ever felt unconditional love like between a parent and child. As an adult I know in my head that my family loves me unconditionally and I try telling myself that but I still question it. I know I am a good person and am well liked but there is part of me that doesn't love myself and it pisses me off that I think that way. I wonder if part of the reason I was such a good kid was because I was scared that my dad would either leave me or stop loving me, like I could only be loved if I was a good kid and he liked me. I became the perfect child and hardly ever misbehaved. I am still a perfectionist and am very hard on myself. I waited until I was away at college and then did all my bad things. My family has no idea and I don't think I will ever tell them.
I was watching an interview with Jennifer Aniston several years ago and the interviewer said that he had developed a theory that our parental losses have been a prime factor in our choices of a professional life and that we make choices to try to heal ourselves. That really stuck with me. I wonder if that was part of the reason I chose to take care of children, because I didn't feel taken care of as a child. I hate thinking that way because that makes it sound like my dad didn't take good care of me and I know he did.